You can stop now

No one will notice! Just invest in a handheld steamer.

Live long enough, and you will eventually see the broken clock strike the correct time — in this case, Crain’s running the headline “governments should compete for residents, not businesses.” Now, granted, it’s a syndicated oped and not a genuine Crain’s opinion, but still, we love to see a little recognition of the great boondoggle that is corporate headquarters. After what felt like several years of fighting for Amazon’s fabled HQ2, the “winning” states saw the project split in half, and now maybe scuttled altogether in the case of Northern Virginia, despite the desperate wooing and deep tax breaks that went into the courtship. 

Now let’s keep this energy up the next time a massive corporation comes knocking for a handout. 

Even longtime Deerfield resident Walgreens is announcing plans to cut the footprint of its headquarters in half, and that was before whole states started pulling business from the pharmacy over its refusal to provide a drug used in abortions to the patients who need it.

The Midwestern brand is still strong however, with Target and Solo Cup announcing plans to open warehouses in Joliet and Country Club Hills. May your worst parties be forever stocked. 

Mark Zuckerberg is also bringing his billions to town — OK just 250 of his millions — building a new lab and investing in human biology research projects launched by UChicago, Northwestern and U of I to target inflammatory diseases like cancer and arthritis. Good news for the schools, and for the businesses that spin out of those research projects, like Northwestern-born medical device company Rhaeos, which just raised $10.5 million after developing a new sensor to monitor people with hydrocephalus. 

Foxtrot is also raising money for the important work, specifically the work of getting us special little treaties. The fancy grocer raised $18.6 million to continue its expansion into new locations and a line of house-brand snacks. No word on whether the money will fund new jobs, given that Foxtrot laid off 3.5% of its staff last fall. 

Northern Trust, on the other hand, appears to be hiring straight through its firing rounds, a move we’re sure is GREAT for the company culture. The bank hired 2,500 people in 2022, only to announce plans for up to 500 layoffs this year. Maybe move slower and break fewer lives? 

As a spinoff of payday lender Avant, Amount doesn’t necessarily need to resort to layoffs to do harm — it provides the software other lenders can use to issue high-interest-rate loans. It is, however, dropping 130 jobs, a real bad news/good news situation if ever we’ve seen one. So it’s nice to share the purely good news that online textbook lending platform RedShelf raised $15 million to continue making education more accessible.

This is a pro-worker newsletter, and as such we are delighted to hear news that The Field Museum has successfully unionized and Berlin nightclub is making a play to do so as well. We’re also hoping each new (non-Fraternal Order of Police) union member is a vote for Brandon Johnson, because the alternative of a Paul Vallas-run city is too grim to consider. 

Jobs, Glorious Jobs
Assistant Director of Digital Communications for the Alumni Relations Department at the University of Chicago
While we often recommend university jobs for their stability, no role is more stable than the one that asks alumni for money. 

Assistant Director of Marketing Science for the Chicago Cubs
Continue to pursue new discoveries in the time-honored field of separating hopeless optimists from their money, all for the greater wealth of the Ricketts family. This sounds like maybe the worst job in the world to us, but we know some of you silly billies clicked “apply” the second you saw the Chicago Cubs. All we ask is that you do your job as poorly as the team managers do theirs. 

Inspiration of the Week

“STOP FOLDING CLOTHES!”

—Advice many of us have taken, but nevertheless a nice reminder from The Romper that your time is valuable, and you do not need to spend a single second of it on labor that exists to be undone. Pile and pick friends, daylight saving is upon us and it is time to rededicate ourselves to fun drinks on patios, not household chores.

Forward this email to anyone who’s ready to spend their time on what matters. They can sign up here to get a twice-monthly reminder that very rarely is it work. 

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