But Freedia, what if the vibes are bad?
Wow wow wow, just another week of dancing through dystopia, counting on Beyoncé to deliver us affirmations that, when we say them, sure do sound like denial.
This may be the numbness talking, but what if we just, don’t engage? We’re actually under no obligation to accept a version of reality that doesn’t include everybody as full and equal human beings. “Oh my god, CUTE, you made a little ruling about my body? No, that’s so sweet, you slide on into your dress and bang your tiny hammer or whatever, but we’ll be over here packing our little free libraries with Plan B and engaging in radical mutual aid.”
Look, if you have the wherewithal to participate in government please, please do. It’s the most efficient way to distribute resources. But if you do not — and we do not — remember, that is ALL it is. Government determines who gets rewards and who gets punishments. It does not determine truth, it does not control our actions and it does not deserve our attention when it does not pay attention to us.
So this week, please vote if you haven’t already, and donate to the people who actively want to amplify your voice. But remember: you still have a voice. No one gives it to you, and no one takes it away.
So let’s use it to tell Ken Griffin to shut the fuck up.
Sorta like a bunch of men talking about reproduction, Kenny G is out here mouthing off about shit he has never experienced. He is packing up his hedge fund and moving to Miami, a city that, for all its faults, does not deserve this. Kenneth is claiming the move is down to one factor — crime. Not, you know, the zero income tax in Florida, his hatred of JB Pritzker or his full-throated support for goblin governor Ron DeSantis.
All that crime, he frets, is making it hard to hire talent in Chicago, explaining why the hedge fund has shrunk 10% to only 1,000 employees. Nowhere do the newspapers appear to be noting that Ken Griffin is one of the men most hated by finance bros and anyone with a moral compass (an unlikely pairing). Couldn’t be his reputation as a ghoul putting a chill on hiring. Must be the crime that’s come nowhere near the bubble of all this clotted cream.
We would like to say a strong and full-throated good riddance to Ken, and to any of the 1,000 people willing to work for him, many of whom were probably not paying taxes in Illinois to begin with.
There is concern in some corners, as to what it will mean for the city’s nonprofit institutions. Who will pay for the big boy dinosaur room now? Dunno, maybe wealthy taxpayers? Because all Ken’s donations to nonprofits don’t begin to touch the power of his political fundraising. He personally spent nearly $50 million in one campaign cycle just to kill the progressive income tax in Illinois. That’s compared with the $600 million he claims to have donated to local nonprofits over the course of his life in Chicago. And we’re not even getting all the way into how he distributes those donations, like sparing $2 million for crime prevention in North Lawndale while earmarking $25 million for police training. Because if we spend time on that, we might actually pass out from the rage.
No doubt Ken and his best bud Ron DeSantis are quaking in their boots over the “wrong kind" of people wielding guns. But here’s the thing: If you really want to know whether there’s something to be afraid of, ask women. We have the experience in being threatened. And I can promise you, we’re a lot less worried about being held up here than knocked up in Florida.
Caterpillar is also moving its headquarters to Texas, in a clear sign there are no women, trans people, or people who love them making decisions at the company.
We’ll just be over here eating Eggos in celebration of Kellogg moving all of its snack business — roughly 80% of revenue — to a new Chicago headquarters. Getting local and agreeing to union terms in a newly ratified contract? Pass the Cheez-Its.
Mondelez is also upping its snack game, with a $2.9 billion acquisition of Clif Bar. Clif Bar will stay based in California, but it’s a big boost for Chicago-based Mondelez’s otherwise kind of anemic healthy snack business.
If sweets are more your style, Nutella and Kinder candymaker Ferrero is pouring more than $200 million into its Bloomington plants, with plans to add another 200 jobs.
We’re not ones to celebrate anything Meta does, but the fact that its brand-new big office opening happens to coincide with Yelp closing its offices and Blue Cross moving to more flexible offices to accommodate employees who would rather work remotely? That’s a nice little treat for us.
Not that it’s stopping the big legacy companies from continuing to double down on real estate. Abbott is opening a big loop office with the potential for 450 downtown jobs, while trading firm IMC is renewing two floors and adding a third, both in the Sears Tower.
Another Starbucks location is unionizing, adding to wins across the city. It’s worth noting though, that even the strongest unions can’t completely insulate employees from a hostile government. Teachers are quitting the profession so quickly schools can’t stay staffed, and Elevate K-12 is taking advantage, raising $40 million to scale up its business of livestreaming teachers. Surprising no one, the company’s founder and CEO claims that “100% of the students we serve are low income.” Yes. That is an indictment. You’re not providing a public service, you’re making a profit off of a broken system.
So, again: vote. And then go back to ignoring the illegitimate actions of an illegitimate state.
Jobs, Glorious Jobs
VP of Revenue at Block Club Chicago and Several Jobs at the Chicago Sun-Times
Going to make our little pitch for supporting local journalism here. It’s stressful! The pay sucks! Both of these organizations routinely get shit wrong! And! We believe you can push them to do better and get louder, and we think both of those things matter.
You can also become a paid subscriber of Get Hustlin’, but fair warning that we’re just going to turn right back around and donate your money to good reporting and safe abortions.
Forums and Content Manager at the Executives’ Club of Chicago
Or, grab the ears of Chicago’s most powerful and start whispering sweet socialist nothings until it’s too late and they’ve all been radicalized.
Director of Special Projects and Publications at UIC
OR, go full SJW and join the University of Illinois Chicago’s Social Justice Initiative and help produce symposia and curriculum around questions of social justice.
Inspiration of the week
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